On my flight home right meow, but this blog was written (rambled) while sitting in a hotel room in London at about 3a listening to The 1975 with jet lag and a glass of Malbec thinking about how funny life is.
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I’m over here working a gig I’ve dreamt of since I first started in sports journalism when I was 15 (didn’t know that? Yea… I covered high school sports, the NBA and college soccer. #LittleKnownFacts).
I'm doing things I can't believe I'm doing like rushing historic "football" fields and being a credentialed member of the media at a PREMIERE LEAGUE game.
In the midst of all this humbling and unbelievable hustle I'm trying to do out here, I get an interesting text from one of my girlfriends: A screenshot of my most recent ex (the Australian that Bobby thought was super hot) kissing a girl and making his relationship “official” on Facebook.
A few things go thru my mind immediately: are we 12 and really still making relationships “official” on FB? (no offense to anyone who does this except my ex, but really? Can you not?) And then a little pang of anger rushes thru me.
side note: Yes, I do have amazing girlfriends who keep tabs on exes and reach out with screenshots like this and corresponding commentary to make me feel better when necessary. Guys, we have eyes e v e r y w h e r e haha
I must say, having just been in a cat cafe when this happened definitely helped.
I broke up with him. I’m hustling in LONDON doing a DREAM [SIDE] JOB. I’m better off and don’t even think about wanting to date him again. But yet, still, it kinda hit me in the pit of my stomach. Weird, right? LADIES… why do we do this? Why can we not be the GIRL BOSSES that we are? The ones that don’t worry about our exes and what girl they’re dating now or what Instagram model pose they’re doing lately?
I realize this post is dripping with the amount of bitterness you get when you bite into a full lemon. But it’s more so toward myself than him. I’m annoyed at myself for still creeping on my exes. Including the one that dumped me via text message after 10 months of dating (that one still hurts and still gets brought up in therapy). I’m annoyed that even in a moment of complete GIRL BOSSNESS, I still let a silly social media post from a BOY irk me.
Ladies. We are bosses. We are independent. We are capable. We are THE SH*T. But we’re allowed to sneak looks at our ex’s Instagrams and then deep dive into the new girl he’s dating (raise your hand if you’ve done this 🙋🏼). And we’re allowed to get that punch to the gut sometimes when something hurts. And ya know what? That doesn’t take away from our Girl Bossness.
I don’t really talk much about relationships because it’s a tumultuous story. But it’s MY STORY. Married and divorced by 21. Only 2 serious boyfriends – both Australian (don’t ask). Single for over a year. Ghosted 4 times in less than 6 months.
Thing is. It’s fine. After my divorce, I was single for four years. I needed to be LONELY. And learn to deal with it because I never wanted to be desperate and/or dependent. Are there times I want to just have someone to call or cuddle? Of course but that’s where my cat and my girlfriends come in. But being independent and strong doesn’t exempt me and my black heart from sometimes FEELING things. Man, feelings are the worst.
Sometimes my mind wanders to the thought “what’s wrong with me?” and then it snaps out of it and says, “Screw them. I’m awesome.” But it doesn’t always park itself in that space. I feel like my mind is just in a constant state of trying to parallel park and is really bad at it: back in, back out, hit the curb, try again.
And that’s OK. I mentioned in my first blog that I still have boxes for each ex. Three: My ex-husband has the biggest (of course) and they get smaller after that. Why don’t I just burn everything you ask? Why would I? It’s my history. It’s my STORY. It’s my past. It’s who I am. Those relationships, as shitty or great or difficult as they were, have made me, Me. I never look back (or into those boxes) and I don’t regret any of them, but I sure as hell learn from them.
Meanwhile, I’ve been getting texts from my closest friends telling me how proud they are of me and while I still haven’t gotten to a place where I can fully wrap my head around this past week and be proud of MYSELF, it’s wonderful to have my people give me the affirmation I usually don’t give myself. I don’t call myself a GIRL BOSS, but I know all us girls are. It just takes a little longer to believe that sometimes.
So, I’m putting up my glass of malbec in a cheers to all my Girl Bosses out there.